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runedgirlTitle: Where Sam and Dean Leave off and We Begin
Fandom:RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: Eventually NC-17, but you have to wait
Summary: Things in the show have a way of spilling over into their personal lives, and vice versa
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3
Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7
Chapter 8
He thought about quitting. Quitting the best gig he’d ever had, the show he loved, the best crew in the world. The best friend …. It didn’t even feel like that anymore. He’d fucked it up, badly. Jensen isn’t gay, he told himself, disappointment tightening his chest. Jensen had just been drunk and upset and he’d misread the signals and Jensen had probably hated him for it. And now he’d made matters worse – oh, so much worse – by spying on him. Lusting after him. There was no way around that admission now, not after having the image of Jensen lying back on the bed pumping his big cock into that chick’s mouth seared into his brain probably for all-fucking-time. No denying the fact that he wanted to grab her by the shoulders and toss her aside and take her place and use his own mouth to make Jensen make that sound, that fucking sound, the one he couldn’t get out of his ears.
When the PA knocked on his door to tell him he needed to be ready in five, Jared wanted to cry. How was he supposed to face Jensen? Act like nothing had happened. Like he hadn’t been slapped in the face by the realization that he was head over heels crazy for his costar. Jared wished desperately that he was a better actor. Like Anthony Hopkins better, cuz that’s what it would take to act away this sort of emotion.
The girl was hanging on Jensen’s arm when he got there, looking giddy happy. “Hey.” Jensen had on the same arctic parka that he did, and a dorky sort of hat underneath the furred hood. Just made his eyes look bigger. Prettier.
Jared was grateful for the acknowledgement, and the lack of reproach in Jensen’s tone. “Hey,” he returned, stealing a furtive glance at the other actor’s face.
“This is Grace,” Jensen offered. “You sorta weren’t properly introduced earlier.” A small smile twitched at the corners of that perfect mouth.
“Yeah, not really,” Jared mumbled, blushing again at the memory. “Jared.” The girl shook his hand, smiling.
“She came up to stay for a day or two, see the place, how the show’s done, you know.”
Jared shot him a look that said why? But to Grace he said, “Great, enjoy yourself.” Enjoy Jensen’s cock too, he thought with a wave of bitterness.
* * *
The director pulled him aside at about 2 am, when Jared felt so bone-tired, so wrought emotionally and physically, that he had no defenses left. No capacity to deny his feelings anymore. What was the use? They’d smacked him in the face, knocked him off his feet. Literally.
So Jared had let Sam’s eyes meet Dean’s again and again, let them brim with affection, let them overflow with the love he felt for his brother and the terror that he might lose him. He’d felt his chest constrict with the misery of desperately wanting something to be okay and knowing, deep down in every fiber of your being, that it won’t be. This is what a heartbreak feels like, he thought. Sam’s heart. Dean’s heart.
His heart.
He’d felt so much he’d blown his not-very-well-rehearsed lines repeatedly, stumbling over his words, forgetting their order, ad-libbing his own until Jensen was staring up at him in confusion. Kim was probably gonna fire him. He sank wearily into one of the tall chairs, ready for another lecture. Ready to tell Kim that he just couldn’t do this.
The director clapped a fatherly hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “You okay?” he asked.
“Fucking great.”
Kim sighed, sounding almost as weary as his leading actor. “I know, it’s hard, it’s hard work. Don’t give up. Watch the dailies tonight, Jared.”
The director disappeared into the darkness, leaving Jared wondering.
“Hey.” Jensen’s voice, as weary as his own. “Is he givin’ you a hard time again?”
Jared was too tired to come up with a bitchy response, although “what do you care” ran through his head silently. “Nah,” he answered, sighing. “Sorry I blew so many lines, I made this take endless, you must be exhausted.” All that fucking and sucking, Jared thought.
He jerked upright in the chair when Jensen laid a gloved hand on his knee and squeezed him gently. “Yeah, a little. You look pretty wasted yourself.”
Jared couldn’t manage a response, just stared.
“You’re shaking,” Jensen said softly, kneading at his flesh a little.
Jared swallowed hard. “Can’t help it.” He held Jensen’s eyes, mustering his courage, willing Jensen to get it.
“Are you cold?” Jensen asked, concern in his voice.
A perfect out, a perfectly plausible explanation. A perfect way to go back to being perfectly civil and perfectly just friends and perfectly not having to admit all the reasons he knew his thighs were quivering. It took a long time for him to choke out a “No.”
“No?” The dark green eyes regarded him with confusion, and Jensen leaned a little closer. “You’re not cold?”
Jared shook his head. “I’m not cold. Specially not now.” What was he doing? Shouldn’t be saying this, shouldn’t be implying what he was implying. He waited for Jensen to back away, for the hand on his leg to withdraw.
Slowly, an almost imperceptible twitch at a time, Jensen curled that awesome mouth into a half smile. He ducked his head and looked up at Jared from beneath the hood of the parka, the fake fur partly hiding his handsome face. Jared felt the hot flush run from the place on his knee where he could feel the pressure of Jensen’s hand against his leg, straight up his thighs to burst through his belly, leaving things in between standing at attention so quickly it caught him off guard. “Jen,” he said, suddenly breathless.
“Jare – ed,” Jensen returned, grinning.
Finally Jared returned the smile. Things felt right, in a way they hadn’t in what seemed like forever. The grin wasn’t just on Jensen’s lips, it was in every fine muscle of his pretty face, every shrugging gesture of the muscular body he knew was underneath that giant parka. It was glinting in the sparkling jade eyes that held his own.
“Jerk,” he teased, slipping into Sam-voice.
“Bitch,” Jensen returned, Dean-like. He squeezed Jared’s knee again, deliberately. To Jared’s little gasp, he said, “Just keepin’ you warm, Sammy.”
* * *
3 am. Jared watched the two figures disappear into Jensen’s trailer, trying to ignore the clench of hurt in his chest. Things were good, better than they’d been in months, he reminded himself. Jensen had smiled at him -- *that* smile. Touched him, in the easy familiar way they used to have with each other. Maybe even easier, he wasn’t sure. He only knew it felt good.
So what if Grace was fucking him tonight? Jared had no real hope that things would ever go that far between him and Jensen anyway. A look, a touch, a smile. He was grateful to have those things back, and to look forward to. Don’t be greedy, Jared. Not like you’ve ever been with a guy anyway. Maybe you’d hate it.
He snorted to himself, remembering the press of Jensen’s hand on his leg. What he’d seen through the trailer window. Yeah right.
There was no way he was sleeping now, in spite of the fatigue that was making his strong body feel like granite. He was once again too wired. So he returned to the darkened, almost deserted set, wondering if anyone would still be around to cue the day’s takes.
Some of the crew were drinking black coffee to stay awake, surprised to see one of their actors join them. “Hey Jared, nice work today,” one of the girls offered. “You wanna see the dailies? Kim said you might come by, but we figured it was too late.”
“Couldn’t sleep anyway,” he answered, helping himself to some of the strong steamy brew. It felt good going down, soothing. He hadn’t realized how shaky he still felt.
* * *
The take was cued to close-ups. The last scene of the day, the one they’d shot again and again and again, but this was the final take. Jared’s fingers tightened around the Styrofoam cup as he watched the pain in Sam’s eyes, the complete fucking agony of being in terror of hurting the one person in all the world who he loved with all his soul. Of losing him. And the agony reflected in Dean’s, of knowing what he might have to do. Of how it would kill him.
Jesus, Jensen, he swore silently, rubbing a fist over his eyes, feeling the wetness leaking from between his tightly closed lids. Could all that love really be just Dean’s?
* * *
Jared overslept, waking to his ringing cell, in a tangled mess of twisted sheets and blankets and half-remembered wet dreams. He fumbled for the phone, knocking it off the bedstand and hanging one long arm off the side of the bed to scramble for it on the floor.
‘Dean,’ the display read.
“Hello?” Jared managed, most of his voice still sound asleep.
“Dude, you sound like shit. Are you still sleeping?” Jensen’s voice, wide awake. Jared could imagine the grin playing over those lips. Shit.
“What time is it?” He stared at the clock display. “Shit.”
“Yeah, shit is right, you’re late. Get your skinny ass outta bed and get over here.” There was no anger in Jensen’s voice, only amusement.
Jared flopped back on the bed, trying to disentangle his long limbs from the sheets. “My ass isn’t skinny,” he protested. And then, to make a point, and because Jensen could always get him to act like a two year old, “Your ass is skinny!”
“No,” said Jensen pointedly, “My ass is firm and hard and fucking hot, and you know it. And your ass is just plain skinny.”
Jared didn’t quite know what to say to that. The visual image that Jensen’s words had left in his head was a little too distracting.
“I’ll take that as a concession,” his costar laughed. “Now c’mon, I need your ass here, skinny or not.”
Jared grumbled his way into the shower. Too much talk about ass for so early in the morning. Afternoon. Whatever. And never enough fucking time to do anything about it.
* * *
Everyone was so pleased with the shoot of the day before, that nobody really gave him a hard time about oversleeping, and Jared was grateful. Both he and Jensen were conscientious about being where they had to be when they had to be, and the last thing he wanted was to be seen as a slacker. This acting thing, they were serious about it.
“Kim’s about to come in his pants over how great our scenes were yesterday,” Jensen told him in a confiding-in-you-don’t-tell-anyone voice. He was smiling. That smile.
“Yeah?” Jared found himself instantly grinning back. “Good.”
“Our reward is getting to do some fun stuff today, goofing around. No heavy shit.”
Jared nodded. “Good.”
“You’ve got a very limited vocabulary today. Not get enough sleep?” Jensen was ribbing him, playful.
Jared gave him a shove, the kind they hadn’t indulged in for the past month. Jensen snorted, grinning, shoved him back. You have no idea how much I wanna kiss you right now, Jared thought, instead grabbing Jensen around the shoulders and trying to pull him into a headlock. They scrabbled for a minute, good-naturedly, til Jensen managed to escape, getting in one last fake-punch to Jared’s shoulder. “Cranky too, huh?” he teased.
“Maybe.” Jared paused, scanning the set. “Where’s Grace?”
Jensen shrugged, stopped grinning. “On her way back to LA.” He watched Jared’s face for a reaction to that news.
“Oh.” Jared shuffled his feet, played with the script in his hands. “Oh.”
Jensen was staring at him. “Dude, you’re carrying the whole man-of-few-words thing a little too far today.”
That’s because I can’t think straight when your eyes are searing a fucking fire into my brain, Jared wanted to yell back. And other places. Jesus, Jensen made him dumb. “I – so is she – you broke up with Stacy?” Fall back on facts, Jared decided. You can handle talking about those.
Jensen nodded slowly. “Yeah. Over a month ago.”
Jared’s turn to nod. That would have been when Jensen got so drunk. When they’d kissed. He swallowed hard, wondering if Jensen was making that same connection. “I’m sorry.” He wasn’t.
Jensen shrugged again. “S’okay. I broke it off with her.”
“Why?” It wasn’t like they’d ever seemed that serious, but they’d been together for over a year, maybe two. Jared had figured it was like him and Sandy. Not that he really knew what that was like anymore.
Jensen looked away, busying himself with the cup of coffee he held, taking a few sips. “Just – wasn’t working out, is all.” He didn’t meet Jared’s eyes when he said it.
“Oh.” Jared’s brain was working overtime. What the hell did that mean? Jensen had broken it off. Why? To be with this Grace chick?
Out of nowhere, Jensen slammed the coffee down on the table he’d been leaning against, suddenly exasperated. “Jesus, you fucking suck at conversation Jared, you know that?”
“What?” He knew he was sounding even more stupid than he felt, but he couldn’t seem to make the connections he needed to actually *have* a conversation. Everything was too loaded, everything had the potential to hurt. Everything was too scary to talk about.
Jensen was glaring at him. “What? What does that mean, what?!”
Confused, Jared just stared. How had they ended up fighting when just minutes ago things had felt so easy and good between them? Jensen rolled his eyes in exasperation and then walked away, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans and shaking his head. “Forget it,” he said.
It took several minutes of gulping coffee and calming himself down for Jared to go after him. This volatile – thing – between them, it was as unpredictable as a wild animal. It was like being manic depressive from moment to moment, everything shifting from euphoria to rage in a heartbeat. Jensen – no, not Jensen. His feelings for Jensen, that’s what it was. They kept him off guard, hypervigilant. Kept his adrenaline level always on the verge of rocketing out of control. And damned if it wasn’t gonna fuck up the shoot today too, the way it did when it wasn’t in sync with what they were doing that day. Kim’s advice to him had been just a little too simplistic, Jared thought.
Jensen was chatting with one of the AD’s when he caught up. “Scuse me, can I borrow him for a minute?” Jared was nervous, his accent sounded more Texan than he intended. Jensen cocked an eyebrow when he heard it.
“Sure,” the AD nodded, leaving them alone.
Jensen opened his mouth – *that* mouth – to say something, but Jared shushed him with a gesture. “Lemme talk, okay?”
Raised eyebrows. “Okay.”
“I do wanna know about what happened with Stacy. I’ve wanted to ever since – ever since that night when you were so upset.” Ever since that night I kissed you, Jared said in his head. “It’s not that I don’t care, you know that’s not it, I knew things weren’t right, but I just –“ Jared stumbled, not sure if he should admit how fucking terrified he was that Jensen was still holding a grudge over that kiss.
Jensen didn’t help him, just stood still watching Jared expectantly. Fuck. Not making this easy, Jen.
“I wanted to ask, but things just got – they got – I probably shouldn’t have done what I did, and I’m sorry, I just made things worse ….”
“Is that what you think?” Jensen was looking upset again. Not angry this time, but anguished. Like he looked that night in the car.
“Is what what I think?” Jared asked stupidly. This communication thing, it just wasn’t working, Jensen was right. He sucked at it. With Jensen anyway.
“What *do* you think?” Green eyes pleading. For what?
Jared stared in confusion, falling back on silence again. Jensen grabbed his arm, shaking him as though he could force the words out of him. He was so close now that Jared could see the freckles across the bridge of his nose, the flecks of brilliant jade in his eyes. He could barely think, let alone form words.
“What are you sorry for?” Jensen asked, voice breathy and measured, his fingers digging into Jared’s arm, their faces almost touching. Jared caught the scent of something soapy and clean and masculine, twining through his insides and making him swallow hard. Ohgod, please don’t let me fuck this up. Just say it, Jared. Say it.
“Noth ….” He heard the word coming out of his mouth and saw Jensen’s reaction at the same time, felt him pull away, saw the warmth and pleading leave his eyes, saw the anger, saw the hurt, and he knew, he knew, he was doing it again, fucking it up again. Jared stumbled forward in his need to fix it, bumping right up against Jensen’s chest and grabbing for his arm, knocking the cup of coffee out of his hand and splashing it all over Jensen’s leg. Jensen jumped back cursing just as Jared spit out hoarsely, “Kissing you.”
They both froze, coffee running under their feet. Ignoring it. Jensen stared hard at Jared. Ohgod, Jared thought, he’s gonna tell me the truth now too. He’s gonna tell me I had no right, no right, and of course I know that, he’s right. Jared steeled himself to hear it, holding Jensen’s stare. Too late to back down anyway, too late to take it back.
Jensen had that same look on his face, that look of agony, the one that had transformed his pretty features that night in the car. “I had no right to do that, I know.” Jared’s voice sounded far away in his own ears, but he forced himself to go on. To try to make things right. But god, Jensen looked like he was going to burst into tears. Had it really been that awful, what he’d done? “I’m sorry, Jen.”
He had to wait what seemed like a long time for any answer. Finally Jensen seemed to pull himself together, remember who he was, where they were. He rubbed at the wet dark stain on his thigh, then looked back up at Jared, gnawing at his bottom lip for a second.
“I’m not,” he said.
Chapter 10
Fandom:RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: Eventually NC-17, but you have to wait
Summary: Things in the show have a way of spilling over into their personal lives, and vice versa
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3
Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7
Chapter 8
He thought about quitting. Quitting the best gig he’d ever had, the show he loved, the best crew in the world. The best friend …. It didn’t even feel like that anymore. He’d fucked it up, badly. Jensen isn’t gay, he told himself, disappointment tightening his chest. Jensen had just been drunk and upset and he’d misread the signals and Jensen had probably hated him for it. And now he’d made matters worse – oh, so much worse – by spying on him. Lusting after him. There was no way around that admission now, not after having the image of Jensen lying back on the bed pumping his big cock into that chick’s mouth seared into his brain probably for all-fucking-time. No denying the fact that he wanted to grab her by the shoulders and toss her aside and take her place and use his own mouth to make Jensen make that sound, that fucking sound, the one he couldn’t get out of his ears.
When the PA knocked on his door to tell him he needed to be ready in five, Jared wanted to cry. How was he supposed to face Jensen? Act like nothing had happened. Like he hadn’t been slapped in the face by the realization that he was head over heels crazy for his costar. Jared wished desperately that he was a better actor. Like Anthony Hopkins better, cuz that’s what it would take to act away this sort of emotion.
The girl was hanging on Jensen’s arm when he got there, looking giddy happy. “Hey.” Jensen had on the same arctic parka that he did, and a dorky sort of hat underneath the furred hood. Just made his eyes look bigger. Prettier.
Jared was grateful for the acknowledgement, and the lack of reproach in Jensen’s tone. “Hey,” he returned, stealing a furtive glance at the other actor’s face.
“This is Grace,” Jensen offered. “You sorta weren’t properly introduced earlier.” A small smile twitched at the corners of that perfect mouth.
“Yeah, not really,” Jared mumbled, blushing again at the memory. “Jared.” The girl shook his hand, smiling.
“She came up to stay for a day or two, see the place, how the show’s done, you know.”
Jared shot him a look that said why? But to Grace he said, “Great, enjoy yourself.” Enjoy Jensen’s cock too, he thought with a wave of bitterness.
* * *
The director pulled him aside at about 2 am, when Jared felt so bone-tired, so wrought emotionally and physically, that he had no defenses left. No capacity to deny his feelings anymore. What was the use? They’d smacked him in the face, knocked him off his feet. Literally.
So Jared had let Sam’s eyes meet Dean’s again and again, let them brim with affection, let them overflow with the love he felt for his brother and the terror that he might lose him. He’d felt his chest constrict with the misery of desperately wanting something to be okay and knowing, deep down in every fiber of your being, that it won’t be. This is what a heartbreak feels like, he thought. Sam’s heart. Dean’s heart.
His heart.
He’d felt so much he’d blown his not-very-well-rehearsed lines repeatedly, stumbling over his words, forgetting their order, ad-libbing his own until Jensen was staring up at him in confusion. Kim was probably gonna fire him. He sank wearily into one of the tall chairs, ready for another lecture. Ready to tell Kim that he just couldn’t do this.
The director clapped a fatherly hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “You okay?” he asked.
“Fucking great.”
Kim sighed, sounding almost as weary as his leading actor. “I know, it’s hard, it’s hard work. Don’t give up. Watch the dailies tonight, Jared.”
The director disappeared into the darkness, leaving Jared wondering.
“Hey.” Jensen’s voice, as weary as his own. “Is he givin’ you a hard time again?”
Jared was too tired to come up with a bitchy response, although “what do you care” ran through his head silently. “Nah,” he answered, sighing. “Sorry I blew so many lines, I made this take endless, you must be exhausted.” All that fucking and sucking, Jared thought.
He jerked upright in the chair when Jensen laid a gloved hand on his knee and squeezed him gently. “Yeah, a little. You look pretty wasted yourself.”
Jared couldn’t manage a response, just stared.
“You’re shaking,” Jensen said softly, kneading at his flesh a little.
Jared swallowed hard. “Can’t help it.” He held Jensen’s eyes, mustering his courage, willing Jensen to get it.
“Are you cold?” Jensen asked, concern in his voice.
A perfect out, a perfectly plausible explanation. A perfect way to go back to being perfectly civil and perfectly just friends and perfectly not having to admit all the reasons he knew his thighs were quivering. It took a long time for him to choke out a “No.”
“No?” The dark green eyes regarded him with confusion, and Jensen leaned a little closer. “You’re not cold?”
Jared shook his head. “I’m not cold. Specially not now.” What was he doing? Shouldn’t be saying this, shouldn’t be implying what he was implying. He waited for Jensen to back away, for the hand on his leg to withdraw.
Slowly, an almost imperceptible twitch at a time, Jensen curled that awesome mouth into a half smile. He ducked his head and looked up at Jared from beneath the hood of the parka, the fake fur partly hiding his handsome face. Jared felt the hot flush run from the place on his knee where he could feel the pressure of Jensen’s hand against his leg, straight up his thighs to burst through his belly, leaving things in between standing at attention so quickly it caught him off guard. “Jen,” he said, suddenly breathless.
“Jare – ed,” Jensen returned, grinning.
Finally Jared returned the smile. Things felt right, in a way they hadn’t in what seemed like forever. The grin wasn’t just on Jensen’s lips, it was in every fine muscle of his pretty face, every shrugging gesture of the muscular body he knew was underneath that giant parka. It was glinting in the sparkling jade eyes that held his own.
“Jerk,” he teased, slipping into Sam-voice.
“Bitch,” Jensen returned, Dean-like. He squeezed Jared’s knee again, deliberately. To Jared’s little gasp, he said, “Just keepin’ you warm, Sammy.”
* * *
3 am. Jared watched the two figures disappear into Jensen’s trailer, trying to ignore the clench of hurt in his chest. Things were good, better than they’d been in months, he reminded himself. Jensen had smiled at him -- *that* smile. Touched him, in the easy familiar way they used to have with each other. Maybe even easier, he wasn’t sure. He only knew it felt good.
So what if Grace was fucking him tonight? Jared had no real hope that things would ever go that far between him and Jensen anyway. A look, a touch, a smile. He was grateful to have those things back, and to look forward to. Don’t be greedy, Jared. Not like you’ve ever been with a guy anyway. Maybe you’d hate it.
He snorted to himself, remembering the press of Jensen’s hand on his leg. What he’d seen through the trailer window. Yeah right.
There was no way he was sleeping now, in spite of the fatigue that was making his strong body feel like granite. He was once again too wired. So he returned to the darkened, almost deserted set, wondering if anyone would still be around to cue the day’s takes.
Some of the crew were drinking black coffee to stay awake, surprised to see one of their actors join them. “Hey Jared, nice work today,” one of the girls offered. “You wanna see the dailies? Kim said you might come by, but we figured it was too late.”
“Couldn’t sleep anyway,” he answered, helping himself to some of the strong steamy brew. It felt good going down, soothing. He hadn’t realized how shaky he still felt.
* * *
The take was cued to close-ups. The last scene of the day, the one they’d shot again and again and again, but this was the final take. Jared’s fingers tightened around the Styrofoam cup as he watched the pain in Sam’s eyes, the complete fucking agony of being in terror of hurting the one person in all the world who he loved with all his soul. Of losing him. And the agony reflected in Dean’s, of knowing what he might have to do. Of how it would kill him.
Jesus, Jensen, he swore silently, rubbing a fist over his eyes, feeling the wetness leaking from between his tightly closed lids. Could all that love really be just Dean’s?
* * *
Jared overslept, waking to his ringing cell, in a tangled mess of twisted sheets and blankets and half-remembered wet dreams. He fumbled for the phone, knocking it off the bedstand and hanging one long arm off the side of the bed to scramble for it on the floor.
‘Dean,’ the display read.
“Hello?” Jared managed, most of his voice still sound asleep.
“Dude, you sound like shit. Are you still sleeping?” Jensen’s voice, wide awake. Jared could imagine the grin playing over those lips. Shit.
“What time is it?” He stared at the clock display. “Shit.”
“Yeah, shit is right, you’re late. Get your skinny ass outta bed and get over here.” There was no anger in Jensen’s voice, only amusement.
Jared flopped back on the bed, trying to disentangle his long limbs from the sheets. “My ass isn’t skinny,” he protested. And then, to make a point, and because Jensen could always get him to act like a two year old, “Your ass is skinny!”
“No,” said Jensen pointedly, “My ass is firm and hard and fucking hot, and you know it. And your ass is just plain skinny.”
Jared didn’t quite know what to say to that. The visual image that Jensen’s words had left in his head was a little too distracting.
“I’ll take that as a concession,” his costar laughed. “Now c’mon, I need your ass here, skinny or not.”
Jared grumbled his way into the shower. Too much talk about ass for so early in the morning. Afternoon. Whatever. And never enough fucking time to do anything about it.
* * *
Everyone was so pleased with the shoot of the day before, that nobody really gave him a hard time about oversleeping, and Jared was grateful. Both he and Jensen were conscientious about being where they had to be when they had to be, and the last thing he wanted was to be seen as a slacker. This acting thing, they were serious about it.
“Kim’s about to come in his pants over how great our scenes were yesterday,” Jensen told him in a confiding-in-you-don’t-tell-anyone voice. He was smiling. That smile.
“Yeah?” Jared found himself instantly grinning back. “Good.”
“Our reward is getting to do some fun stuff today, goofing around. No heavy shit.”
Jared nodded. “Good.”
“You’ve got a very limited vocabulary today. Not get enough sleep?” Jensen was ribbing him, playful.
Jared gave him a shove, the kind they hadn’t indulged in for the past month. Jensen snorted, grinning, shoved him back. You have no idea how much I wanna kiss you right now, Jared thought, instead grabbing Jensen around the shoulders and trying to pull him into a headlock. They scrabbled for a minute, good-naturedly, til Jensen managed to escape, getting in one last fake-punch to Jared’s shoulder. “Cranky too, huh?” he teased.
“Maybe.” Jared paused, scanning the set. “Where’s Grace?”
Jensen shrugged, stopped grinning. “On her way back to LA.” He watched Jared’s face for a reaction to that news.
“Oh.” Jared shuffled his feet, played with the script in his hands. “Oh.”
Jensen was staring at him. “Dude, you’re carrying the whole man-of-few-words thing a little too far today.”
That’s because I can’t think straight when your eyes are searing a fucking fire into my brain, Jared wanted to yell back. And other places. Jesus, Jensen made him dumb. “I – so is she – you broke up with Stacy?” Fall back on facts, Jared decided. You can handle talking about those.
Jensen nodded slowly. “Yeah. Over a month ago.”
Jared’s turn to nod. That would have been when Jensen got so drunk. When they’d kissed. He swallowed hard, wondering if Jensen was making that same connection. “I’m sorry.” He wasn’t.
Jensen shrugged again. “S’okay. I broke it off with her.”
“Why?” It wasn’t like they’d ever seemed that serious, but they’d been together for over a year, maybe two. Jared had figured it was like him and Sandy. Not that he really knew what that was like anymore.
Jensen looked away, busying himself with the cup of coffee he held, taking a few sips. “Just – wasn’t working out, is all.” He didn’t meet Jared’s eyes when he said it.
“Oh.” Jared’s brain was working overtime. What the hell did that mean? Jensen had broken it off. Why? To be with this Grace chick?
Out of nowhere, Jensen slammed the coffee down on the table he’d been leaning against, suddenly exasperated. “Jesus, you fucking suck at conversation Jared, you know that?”
“What?” He knew he was sounding even more stupid than he felt, but he couldn’t seem to make the connections he needed to actually *have* a conversation. Everything was too loaded, everything had the potential to hurt. Everything was too scary to talk about.
Jensen was glaring at him. “What? What does that mean, what?!”
Confused, Jared just stared. How had they ended up fighting when just minutes ago things had felt so easy and good between them? Jensen rolled his eyes in exasperation and then walked away, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans and shaking his head. “Forget it,” he said.
It took several minutes of gulping coffee and calming himself down for Jared to go after him. This volatile – thing – between them, it was as unpredictable as a wild animal. It was like being manic depressive from moment to moment, everything shifting from euphoria to rage in a heartbeat. Jensen – no, not Jensen. His feelings for Jensen, that’s what it was. They kept him off guard, hypervigilant. Kept his adrenaline level always on the verge of rocketing out of control. And damned if it wasn’t gonna fuck up the shoot today too, the way it did when it wasn’t in sync with what they were doing that day. Kim’s advice to him had been just a little too simplistic, Jared thought.
Jensen was chatting with one of the AD’s when he caught up. “Scuse me, can I borrow him for a minute?” Jared was nervous, his accent sounded more Texan than he intended. Jensen cocked an eyebrow when he heard it.
“Sure,” the AD nodded, leaving them alone.
Jensen opened his mouth – *that* mouth – to say something, but Jared shushed him with a gesture. “Lemme talk, okay?”
Raised eyebrows. “Okay.”
“I do wanna know about what happened with Stacy. I’ve wanted to ever since – ever since that night when you were so upset.” Ever since that night I kissed you, Jared said in his head. “It’s not that I don’t care, you know that’s not it, I knew things weren’t right, but I just –“ Jared stumbled, not sure if he should admit how fucking terrified he was that Jensen was still holding a grudge over that kiss.
Jensen didn’t help him, just stood still watching Jared expectantly. Fuck. Not making this easy, Jen.
“I wanted to ask, but things just got – they got – I probably shouldn’t have done what I did, and I’m sorry, I just made things worse ….”
“Is that what you think?” Jensen was looking upset again. Not angry this time, but anguished. Like he looked that night in the car.
“Is what what I think?” Jared asked stupidly. This communication thing, it just wasn’t working, Jensen was right. He sucked at it. With Jensen anyway.
“What *do* you think?” Green eyes pleading. For what?
Jared stared in confusion, falling back on silence again. Jensen grabbed his arm, shaking him as though he could force the words out of him. He was so close now that Jared could see the freckles across the bridge of his nose, the flecks of brilliant jade in his eyes. He could barely think, let alone form words.
“What are you sorry for?” Jensen asked, voice breathy and measured, his fingers digging into Jared’s arm, their faces almost touching. Jared caught the scent of something soapy and clean and masculine, twining through his insides and making him swallow hard. Ohgod, please don’t let me fuck this up. Just say it, Jared. Say it.
“Noth ….” He heard the word coming out of his mouth and saw Jensen’s reaction at the same time, felt him pull away, saw the warmth and pleading leave his eyes, saw the anger, saw the hurt, and he knew, he knew, he was doing it again, fucking it up again. Jared stumbled forward in his need to fix it, bumping right up against Jensen’s chest and grabbing for his arm, knocking the cup of coffee out of his hand and splashing it all over Jensen’s leg. Jensen jumped back cursing just as Jared spit out hoarsely, “Kissing you.”
They both froze, coffee running under their feet. Ignoring it. Jensen stared hard at Jared. Ohgod, Jared thought, he’s gonna tell me the truth now too. He’s gonna tell me I had no right, no right, and of course I know that, he’s right. Jared steeled himself to hear it, holding Jensen’s stare. Too late to back down anyway, too late to take it back.
Jensen had that same look on his face, that look of agony, the one that had transformed his pretty features that night in the car. “I had no right to do that, I know.” Jared’s voice sounded far away in his own ears, but he forced himself to go on. To try to make things right. But god, Jensen looked like he was going to burst into tears. Had it really been that awful, what he’d done? “I’m sorry, Jen.”
He had to wait what seemed like a long time for any answer. Finally Jensen seemed to pull himself together, remember who he was, where they were. He rubbed at the wet dark stain on his thigh, then looked back up at Jared, gnawing at his bottom lip for a second.
“I’m not,” he said.
Chapter 10
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Date: 2007-05-17 09:47 pm (UTC)Very glad you found it intense, and yes, Jared is bound to have quite a reaction to those very unexpected two little words... :)