Where Sam and Dean Leave Off and We Begin

[runedgirl]

Title: Where Sam and Dean Leave off and We Begin (1/12)

Pairing: Jared/Jensen

Rating: Eventually NC-17, but you have to wait

Summary: Things in the show have a way of spilling over into their personal lives, and vice versa

Filming that scene was the first time Jared noticed it – how much he cared. Not in that friend kind of way, of course he knew that already. He and Jensen had bonded quickly, their similar backgrounds giving them a headstart on being buddies on-set and off. But he hadn’t realized it went a little bit deeper, that kind of connection that doesn’t need words, that seems to stretch between two people with a thread so tenacious you almost expect it to be visible, it’s that palpable in the moment.

He was aware of it suddenly, as Jensen slumped to the wooden floor beneath him, executing perfectly the freefall of a man just slugged on the jaw full-force. No self-protective hesitation, no conscious attempt to ease himself down, Jensen just let himself go. He was like that – an actor’s actor. Had to do it for real, had to do it himself. The thud his body made as he hit the wall made Jared’s breath catch – even more so when Jensen slowly looked up at him. Dean meeting Sam’s eyes, questioning. Pleading. Full of the hurt of being betrayed by the one you love most. Jesus, Jared thought, he’s fucking good. I can feel it, feel his pain.

That’s when he knew it, in that first look – when the thought of Jensen in pain made his chest ache.

“Bend over him – menacingly. You’re evil, you want revenge, want to see him suffer.” The director’s voice in his earpiece shocked Jared from his own thoughts, and he dropped to one knee over the other actor, delivering his lines with as much menace as he could muster. He was every bit the professional too, as much the serious actor as his costar, and training kicked in, took over. His own feelings were covered over, as dormant as Sam’s trapped inside the demon. And yet he could feel them still, running parallel to the sadistic memorized words coming from his character’s sneering mouth.

‘Now hit him again,’ said the soft authoritative voice in his ear, like the voice of the devil, impossible to disobey, and Jared watched as though he were outside himself as his fist connected softly with Jensen’s handsome face. The way they’d rehearsed it, just enough contact to make it look real, just enough, not too much. Not too much. Even so, Jared’s breath caught again as Jensen’s head snapped back with the portrayed impact, thudding backwards against the wall with more force than maybe it should have. Jared fought against the impulse to yell at him to be more fucking careful. He knew Jensen wouldn’t listen anyway. This was how it should look, this was how it needed to be.

He paused to deliver the next lines, but they were meaningless to him now – flawlessly said but far from what he wanted to say. Jensen raised his eyes again, locking them to Jared’s. The manufactured blood ran from his nose, a slow thick trickle over his full lips, his eyes wet and dark with pain. How the fuck did he do that? Get so much emotion into those big eyes. Dean’s dogged determination to let the demon kill him before he’d hurt his brother. His agony at the feel of Sam’s fist on him, the emotional pain so much more unbearable than the physical. Jared could read it all in those eyes.

“Again.” This time he was distracted, his fist really did make some contact. Or did Jensen actually move closer to make it happen? To make it real, wanting to feel some pain. Jensen gave a little groan before he raised his head, more slowly now, his eyes heavy lidded, like he was drugged from the blows. The fake blood was smeared across his cheek as he met Jared’s eyes again drunkenly.

“Now reach over and grasp his shoulder, right where you shot him, right where he’s most vulnerable. Give him a good squeeze. Show him you have all the power.”

Jared moved to obey. Slowly. Deliberately. The demon letting Dean know what’s coming, wanting to see his fear, his horror. The whole time he was reaching out, Jensen’s desperate eyes were locked to his. ‘Please, please don’t, don’t do this Sam.’ Jared could almost hear the words, his eyes were so eloquent. Pleading for his brother’s love. In slow motion, he closed his fingers around Jensen’s shoulder, feeling the muscles clench under his touch, instinctively, protectively. If he hadn’t known better, he would really have thought…. Jensen gasped at his touch, his body writhing helplessly in Jared’s grasp.

‘Good,’ the director said in his earpiece, ‘Good, torture him, make him feel it.’

They never broke eye contact, not the entire time. It was like they were joined in some secret mysterious terrible act that neither could tear themselves away from. The seconds seemed like minutes as Jared pressed his fingers roughly into Jensen’s flesh, imagining the imaginary wounds, the searing agony that he was inflicting. And the whole time Jensen seemed to cling to him, to need this, to want it. The room was so quiet he could hear Jensen’s labored breathing as he struggled to endure it. Jared pressed harder, Jensen groaned softly in response. With no direction, only their own instincts, they dragged it out, Jensen’s breath catching, his eyes watering. Jesus, he was really beautiful like this, more vulnerable than Jared had ever imagined he’d let himself be. And in my hand. Letting me do this. The camera was still, the crew was silent, the world seemed frozen around them as the two of them stayed locked together.

‘Cut. Fabulous. Perfect, guys.’

In the final edit, it would appear that Sam let go when he was forced to, but on the set at that moment Jared let go as soon as the director gave him permission, exhausted. He dropped to both knees, his hand shaking, suddenly breathless himself. He hadn’t realized he’d been holding it. Jensen let himself relax finally, slumping all the way to the floor with a heavy sigh.

“You okay?” Jared asked, swallowing hard to try to regain some sense of the present. His heart was thudding in his chest, his long lean body pulsing with adrenalin. The familiar bustle of the crew had resumed, cameras rolled back, conversation hummed around them. Jensen met his eyes again, wiping the red liquid from his lips. Gave him that wry half smile that made his eyes seem to sparkle.

“Like you care! Damn, you just about knocked me out.”

Jared started to protest, but Jensen cut him off. “I think you enjoyed that a little too much.”

Again he started to protest, then suddenly thought better of it. Instead Jared smiled back. “I think you did too.”

Jensen had kicked him in playful annoyance and dismissed him with a “Fuck you,” but Jared wasn’t dissuaded. There had been something there, something – weird. Unexpected. He dropped it with Jensen, but the idea stuck with him, popping into his head as he changed and got ready to leave the set. What was it? Jared stared at his reflection in the mirror, pulling a tee shirt over his head. Why do I keep thinking of that? He waited for an answer, but none came. Only the confused expression on his own face stared back at him, brows creased. Puzzled. Jared ran one hand impatiently through his long hair. Stop thinking about it, what’s your problem? Just a scene, like any other.

Then why did it feel so different?

Jared detoured back to the set instead of heading to his car. He wasn’t going to be able to drop this until he figured it out, he knew himself.

The director was surprised to see him, and even more surprised by his request.

“Can I see the takes for today?” Jared shifted uncomfortably as he asked, not at all sure why he was asking.

“Why?” Of course that would be the logical question. He wasn’t in the habit of reviewing the dailies. Unfortunately Jared couldn’t really answer. He shrugged, shifting again. “I just – I’m just not sure they were – were that great.”

The director looked incredulous. “Not that great? Are you kidding? That last scene we shot today was some of the best work you’ve ever done – you *and* Jensen. You nailed it, I mean nailed it. Even *I* believed you. Both of you.”

“Can I see it?” Jared had no idea why this was so important to him, but it was.

The director’s turn to shrug. “Sure, of course. I’ll have the PA cue it for you on camera one, we don’t have the tape yet.”

Jared settled into the high canvas chair in the middle of the mostly deserted set, as the scene began to run on the monitor. He usually hated watching himself, knowing he was too quick to find fault with his work, so he avoided it completely. Even when Sandy watched the show, he found something else to do.

But this time was different. Jared didn’t even notice how well he was doing, whether his acting was good or bad. He didn’t care. What he noticed was Jensen. Fascinated by the way his strong body crumpled at Sam’s --- Jared’s --- feet, the way he shrunk back so submissively, one hand cradled across his chest in an ineffectual gesture of self-protection. The way he took the blows to his face, just took them, without fighting back. The blood – fake, it’s fake, remember that it’s fake – the blood oozing from his nose, staining his cheek.

Jared watched their eyes connect onscreen, remembering what it felt like in the moment, how strong and palpable that was. From this third person vantage point, it was even more obvious, the intense emotion between them. Jared could see it telegraphed in his own deliberate movements, and even more clearly in Jensen’s. As his fingers closed over Jensen’s shoulder on the monitor screen, he watched in awe as the other actor’s face contorted in anguish, finely knit brows drawn together, a half strangled sob escaping him. Pleading, imploring.

Watching, Jared found himself holding his breath once again with the intensity of what he was seeing. Jensen had reached up and grasped his arm, not so much in an attempt to stop him, but just holding on tightly as he let Jared continue to hurt him, breathing hard. He hadn’t even realized Jensen had done that, he’d been so engrossed in what he was doing to him. Jared stared at their images on the screen, himself bending over Jensen, menacing, powerful, and Jensen submissive beneath him in spite of the strength he knew was there, with that look of agonized supplication on his face. He looked ---

“That enough?”

The PA’s voice startled him, and Jared straightened quickly, inexplicably flustered. He felt for a second like a 13 year old caught looking at his father’s Playboy, though he had no idea why. “Oh, yeah, thanks, yeah, that’s fine,” he managed, and the monitor darkened. “Yeah, I’ve gotta get going anyway.”

Jared tugged his tight jeans with one hand as he hopped down off the chair, acutely aware that they were fitting more snugly than before. What the fuck? Having no idea why seemed to be the theme of the day. Unnerved, he called Sandy as soon as he got in the car.

Chapter 2

Comments

[anakin415.livejournal.com]

I have no idea how I missed this but its a great beginning.

**runs to c2**

[veronica1975.livejournal.com]

hey..you are great!!!! you get me!!!

Poor Jared

[angels3.livejournal.com]

he knows but he want let his head in on it. I was talking about the upstairs head there *get your mind out the gutter* ;) I just found this so I'm off to read chapter 2 I have ten in order to catch up. Yea yea I know I'm late.

[stjra.livejournal.com]

Awesome!

You write such beautiful angst! Just love Jared's confusion and instinct to ring Sandie, so cutie

[eviltish.livejournal.com]

Ooh, Lynsey! Fic I haven't read and it's yours? I have so bookmarked for tomorrow morning.

(Am still OBSESSED with Alive. It keeps hitting me upside the head in random moments. Really, truly astonishing piece of work.)

[runedgirl.livejournal.com]

Hey, thank you so much! I love when people discover older fics - someday we'll update our fic archive and get them all listed there, right now they're just kinda spread throughout our LJ. You know how much it means to me that you liked 'Alive' so much, right? *grins*

This one is long too, 12 chapters, so I hope you like it! Let me know what you think?

Hugs,
Lynsey

Denial Of Feelings

[pingback-bot.livejournal.com]

User simplybeing referenced to your post from Denial Of Feelings (http://community.livejournal.com/j2_recs/65510.html) saying: [...] by (NC-17, not!AU) Where Sam and Dean Leave Off and We Begin [...]

[runedgirl.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, I'm thrilled that you liked my fic - and especially that you found some of my really old ones! I am technologically just awful, so if you make some pdf's and can host them anywhere, there were a few others asking for one of 143 Alice Grim Lane, since apparently the old links don't work. Let me know if you do?

Thanks - and keep letting me know what you think!

[runedgirl.livejournal.com]

If you do upload any, of if you can email the pdf to me, do let me know :) It's runedgirl at gmail.

Thanks so much for your lovely feedback - I can't tell you how much it means to anyone who writes when someone lets us know what they like about a fic. I seem to write slow and steady buildup instinctively, so I'm glad there are people out there who don't mind! :)

I very much look forward to hearing your thoughts on 143 and whatever else you read. Thanks again!

[awen-1.livejournal.com]

Wow that is just so hot and very well written! Can't wait to read further!

[runedgirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, I'm so glad you're liking this so far. This is the very first thing I ever wrote in SPN fandom, so it has special place in my heart :)

[julchen11.livejournal.com]

Goodness! Was this your first fic here? I looove this one shot. I had to hold my breath and believe me the special something between them IS palpable. I am still having goosebumps. ? I could feel their eye contact, I could see the tears in Jensen's eyes. I am sure you could hear the needle in the haystack because of this utter silence.
You're an incredible writer, love. This is a great gift. I am soooo happy that I have found you. I'm looking forward to the next parts. And I won't no I can't be quiet. *jumps to part 2*
*runs back, forgot the hugs*
(((((((((HUGS HUGS HUGS* ♥♥♥

[runedgirl.livejournal.com]

It was my first fic, right after I fell in love with this show. That was one of the first scenes that really struck me - so intense, both of them. I wanted to capture it in fic :)

*hugs*